Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
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If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.