Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Me irl
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.