People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
beware of dog
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing