at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
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Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs