“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
You Might Also Like
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1