how much for the angry fruit?
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Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.