Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
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Do furries go to doctors or vets?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
finally