my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
The devil.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.