Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
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It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.