My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
giddy up Office Depot
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
i hate you platonically
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.