My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
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Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
This line from Airplane.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs