[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
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[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
sistine chapel
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Breaking news:
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into