My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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Always
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Feels like the fourth month in January
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.