how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
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My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”