If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
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Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*lint rolls you awake*
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers