Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
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Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Cake safety first. Always.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?