You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
You Might Also Like
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I feel attacked.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single