Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
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There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
This kid is going places
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.