I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
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Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
The only good comments section online is on recipes
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.