I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
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[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I’m putting together a team
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.