*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
You Might Also Like
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?