I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
some Old Testament wisdom
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Mornin
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?