*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
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My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Not today, today.
Not today.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.