Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
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Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.