If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
You Might Also Like
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Who does Amazon think I am?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash