[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
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Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.