I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
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If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Labreador
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.