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Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money