Nothing to do, you say?
You Might Also Like
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
couldn’t resist
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
#catsoftwitter
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.