Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
You Might Also Like
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.