Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
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[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule