Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
You Might Also Like
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]