You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Maths meets science
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..