When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?