Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex