I can fix him.
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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.