Not all heroes wear capes.
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Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
An odd boast
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My boss called in sick of me
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.