Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
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If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I bet birds love this building.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
motivation
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.