Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.