“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
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bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge