No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose