There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.