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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Well, that didn’t work.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Terribly Tuesday.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache