I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.