i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
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Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
True?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.