93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
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“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”