Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
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[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
no refunds
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
happy valentine’s day to me
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.