[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
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Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.