👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
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commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
These are my emotional support Pringles.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping