Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I feel it
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Very good news from my accountant
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”